Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Toilet Paper Caper

Normally I just write about news events that piss me off, butt in this case I have to make an exception ...

Dateline Marshalltown, Ia ... Suzanne Marie Butts has been charged with stealing 3 rolls of toilet paper from the Marshall County Courthouse utility closet, and may face up to 3 years in jail. Police Chief Lon Walker couldn't keep a straight face at a news conference announcing the end of this crime spree. Employees at the courthouse noticed that they were going through toilet paper at a quicker rate than usual and "staked out" the utility closet. Ms Butts was nabbed "red-handed" when an employee caught her stealing 3-rolls of 2-ply tissue. Ms Butts insisted this was the first time that she had ever pilfered toilet paper, but refused to answer any further questions on the advise of her attorney. The only thing that would make this story any better is if the courthouse employee that caught her was named George Wiffle (of please don't squeeze the Charmin fame).

Congratulations to the Marshalltown PD in solving the "Toilet Paper Caper" (I seem to be on a roll).

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30 comments:

Blancodeviosa said...

oh hell. 3 years in jail. can't they go after some real criminals! holy crappin' aardvarks..

Blancodeviosa said...

and the lady already has to deal with a name like butts.

Mike M said...

She was an employee. I'm thinking the womans case should be the state is not paying s*it for a salary, much less enough money to buy something to wipe it with.

jel said...

ya got to be joking????????

Jenny! said...

I was going to post that yesterday after I read the article, but couldn't bring myself to...couldn't stop laughing! Why, if your last name was Butts, would you even risk the possibility of stealing TP???

snowelf said...

I heard this on the radio this morning and the DJ's (and I!) were "rolling"!

(But really...three years? Drug dealers and child molesters don't even get that long sometimes!)

Paul, this post was awesomely written! :)

--snow

MONA said...

really? That is so interesting. But Butt shud not be getting incarcerated for that long!!

I am laughing my ass off. Who will need toilet paper after that!?

Paul Champagne said...

blanco ... I guess this is what is considered a real crime in Iowa ... got to love a small town.

mike ... she wasn't an employee of the courthouse, they are not even sure why she was there.

jel ... I am not joking, I thought that it was a joke when I saw it on the news this morning, but I googled butts and toilet paper and got thousands of hits from newspaper storys nationwide.

jenny ... I for one would not risk it ... maybe she likes to live dangerously?

snow ... She is eligible for all that time because she falls under the Iowa "Habitual Offenders" status ... she has been in trouble before (and often) ... maybe that's why she was at the courthouse.

mona ... maybe Butts can get transfered to the jail that Paris Hilton is in ... she should be out in a week.

Ms.L said...

I heard about this on my news(in BC!) this morning!
I'm laughing and laughing...hee hee

Sarah said...

The justice system is really going to sh*t, hehehe. This story about Butts totally cracked (hehe) me up! I must tell my friend john (hehehe) all about it.

oh well at least I made mself giggle with that. What a great story!

Paul Champagne said...

ms.l ... OMG, now the story has gone international, it's like a bad april fools joke.

sarah ... looks like you're the one on a roll now :D

lime said...

well that does it. i am moving to marshalltown, IA because apparently toilet paper pilfering is the worst crime they have and can afford to post stakeouts to nab the theif and wipe her out.

jel said...

I went to yahoo. and saw it there,


good grief Charlie Brown!

The Lowest Rated Blog said...

YGTBSM !!!

Paul Champagne said...

lime ... not so fast ... I heard that while this was going on ... someone robbed the bank and made a clean escape. jk

jel ... you checked the story? don't you trust me?

tlrb ... nope buddy, it's the truth ... honest injun.

Superstar said...

"butt" not "but"??? LOL ;o) Nice play.

OK so should we start prosecuting people for stealin' pens? I can honestly say that I from time to time have writen a check and somehow the pen ends up in my purse.

Worse as a marketing manager of past, I would HOPE that people would TAKE the said pen, since it had the company logo, address and phone #.

How about when people "borrow" a piece of gum, or TP in the stall next to you. I most certainly do NOT...NOT...want those items back.

So...at what point do we draw a line in the sand? Lend vs. take....vs. hand out vs. hand up.

Personally, I think that all on welfare should be cut off. Having children so I can support them whilst the baby mama drama sits on her sofa watching soap operas and YELLING at her kids raising hell outside?!?!?!? Food stamps? Oh I could go on and on...OH my personal fav. Illegal immagrants who get aid whilst I struggle to get medicaid as I do not have medical coverage at my teaching position....OH yeah.
~steps of soap box~
I might have to go hurt someone now...
~wipes sweat off~

Paul Champagne said...

Superstar ... don't hurt anyone ... unless they want to be hurt. I think everyone has inadvertantly put a pen in their pocket or purse. No one accidentally puts 3 rolls of toilet paper in their purse.

As for illegal immigrants on welfare ... I'm more concerned with legal residents on welfare. I wonder if their "sponsors" realize that they are responsible for them and not the government?

Shibari said...

"Suzanne Marie Butts has been charged with stealing 3 rolls of toilet paper "

OMG I have never laffed so hard. The ONLY way this could have been funnier is IF her first name was Seymore!
But come ON!! one year for each roll of toilet paper WTF??? This is precisely why our justice system is so outta control! Rapists, Murderers,and thieves get off scott-free(pardon the tp humour), while TP packin women are sent to jail...
Makes you wonder how judges get their jobs..

Paul Champagne said...

Shibari ... it's because she's a repeat offender that the penalty is so harsh. Enjoy your TP humor though ... it had me rolling on the floor.

Mike M said...

"mike ... she wasn't an employee of the courthouse, they are not even sure why she was there."

Then throw her in with Paris!!!!!

-eve- said...

LOL! This is a laugh...! I do see her point of view, though; my parents were poor as kids, so taught us to be thrifty. Whenever we used to go to hotels, we'd bring back the toilet paper (you can't really picture it unless you've been 'can we owe you for this food for a month more?' kind of poor. At least, that's how my mom describes it, and I don't doubt her...:-))

jel said...

I is from the show me state,

I had to see it for myself! :)

Akelamalu said...

Couldn't the police just go after motorists like they do here?
The law really can be an a$$. ;)

Charles said...

Kind of puts Paris into perspective doesn't it? One must always watch their "p"s and ... how does that go?
We'll see what happens when its over, its not over 'til the paper work's done.
It reminds me of the news back when I lived in Houston, hearing about people being put away for life for writing bad $3 checks, because it was their 3rd strike. IDIOTS! The lot of them, offenders and legislators and judges and juries.
Thou shall not judge, should have been the 12th commandment. We're never going to have a perfect system, because we have learned too much that should, too much of it in conflict. Therefore, mankind can never become what it could.

Cherrie said...

So if she went into the woman's room and used up a whole roll because she had diarrhea, would the charge be reduced to a misdemeanor?

Paul Champagne said...

mike ... I don't know if they will extradite her from Iowa to Los Angelas for toilet paper.

eve ... we were poor growing up, butt at least we had TP and food (not much meat but the staples ... beans, rice and bread), so I don't know what it means to be that poor. My parents knew, but luckily I didn't.

jel ... I completely understand, I didn't believe myself at first.

akelamalu ... Oh, don't worry ... traffic tickets will always be written. Cities use it as a means of income ... they couldn't survive without citations.

charles ... welcome to my blog ... stop with the toilet humor already ... my sides hurt.

cherie ... welcome to my blog ... if she used it all on herself in the lavaratory, she would not be charged with theft ... she may have to pay for the plumber to un-clog the toilet though.

jillie said...

Good to see their hard earned tax dollars are at work.

I would change my last name if it were Butts. I use to work with a nurse whose last name was Butts. OH MAN...

Charles said...

jillie,
Was her name Bertha?

jillie said...

lol@charles.....Yeah, she was one of the Butt sisters....hahaha

Terri@SteelMagnolia said...

I love your blog!